Death to Wonderland
by Mustachioed
Summary: A woman with a bulbous heart-shaped head and a man in a full set of armor chained together was not what Severus expected after death.


Severus Snape had not expected this outcome.

He had expected to be eaten. He had expected to be killed. He had expected to be tortured, then killed. He had expected to be stuffed in a cell for the rest of his life. He had expected to be stuffed in a cell for the rest of his life until he died by starvation and insanity. He had expected to be bitten by a large snake. He had expected anything but this.

The Dark Lord had indeed set Nagini on him.

He had died.

He had never believed in a sort of afterlife; he simply expected to float in blackness forever, although a little part of him in the back of his mind hoped that he would be able to see Lily again. . somewhere, as long as he did.

However, he did not float in blackness forever nor did he see Lily.

He woke up next to a man with black and red armor and waves of shoulder length, pitch black hair. . and a black, heart-shaped eyepatch.

Next to that man was a woman. She was a small woman, and the biggest part of her had to be her head, which was positively gargantuan. It was like a balloon. It looked as if you poked it, it would blow up in your face, splattering brain matter and various bits of goo and liquid all over you-

You understand the point.

Although both were rather handsome, even if her head was large and he was very, very tall and very, very . . different-looking.

For a bare moment the man reminded him of himself, although probably much handsomer and less sarcastic and slightly more unnerving.

She had very small hands and long, thin arms and a very fluffy gold, black and red dress that flared out at the waist. He had the idea that she had boots on, even though her legs were curled up underneath her. She looked very pathetic and sad, her mass of red curls slightly undone from the heart shape on her head.

They were also holding hands.

Or, more like, they were holding hands, but he seemed very reluctant to and was attempting to pull away slightly, but she kept holding on and increasing her grip. Severus could tell.

He groaned when he awoke, and sat up immediately. He was still robed, but the marks on his neck were gone.

"STAYNE! He's awake!" she shrieked, reminding him awfully of Bellatrix. However, her voice was hoarse and just as sad as the look on her face and he had the idea that she was attempting to act like everything was perfectly fine.

"I see that, your Majesty," he said dryly, glancing at Severus.

He was in a desert. Or more like a barren land. The ground was grey and wide and cracked and it was very cold and it was most definitely not the Shrieking Shack.

He opened his mouth and a rasping noise escaped. He grimaced, swallowed, and tried again.

"Who are you?"

It was a good try.

The woman sniffed haughtily, although it didn't work to be arrogant as tears were streaked down her face and were still leaking from the corners of her eyes. "I am The Red Queen, peasant," she said, "And this is My Knave of Hearts," she motioned to the man behind her. The man's lips quirked up at the corners at the name that seemed to be slightly fondly and slightly possessively said, but as soon it was there it was gone again. The 'my' in her words was louder than the rest, enunciated with a glare as if she was warning him to stay away from 'her' Knave of Hearts.

They did not seem harmless. And then he noticed something; the chain binding them together. It was lengthy, about thirty feet, allowing them to walk a lengthy few steps away from eachother, but it was tight and heavy, he could tell.

"Where am I?"

The woman pouted, her heart-shaped .. and painted lips curving into a frown as she lowered her head.

"You're in the Outlands," she said grimly.

He knew, suddenly, that he was nowhere near the Shrieking Shack anymore.

The only thing to do that seemed best to him at the current moment was to groan and hit his head against the tree behind him.

However, it was soon discovered that it was not a good idea at all as a sharp pain shot throughout his head.

He sighed loudly.

A thought occurred to him - his wand.

His wand - where was his wand?

He groped for it frantically, and a huge sense of relief hit him when he encountered it.

He drew it out. It was in perfect condition.

He looked at the two, who looked as confused as he felt.

The female- the Queen - was thin. That much was obvious underneath the tight bodice of the dress she wore.

It was a beautiful dress.

He blinked, wondering where that thought had come from. He pushed it out of the way and flicked his wand; before them appeared silver platters of the richest food.

Then he groaned to himself again. When had he become so giving?

There was a moment of silence, and they looked more shocked than they had been before.

Then, the Red Queen dived- quite literally, DIVED - at the plate and began shoving food into her face.

Neither of them noticed when he disapparated.

- and stayed dead.

There was indeed an afterlife. He had found it - but for some reason, Severus Snape could not forget The Red Queen and The Knave of Hearts.


End file.
